mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
