I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
