I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Text me some of your sweat
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
