She's JV to your varsity
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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