my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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