I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
