No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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