so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
