oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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