Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
