You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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