I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
