1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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