He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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