Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
