Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
