I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
