You're my little dorito
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
