Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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