i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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