From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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