I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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