: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
