Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
