so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
