Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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