No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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