god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
