On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
