I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
