Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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