I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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