ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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