i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
