This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
