so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think people are normalizing furries