On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check