Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
