My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
