Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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