the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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