my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
