Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
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Can vaginas get frostbite?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse