i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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