I'm gonna have a badass scar
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
