Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
