I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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