Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
