I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
