My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
