how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
