clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
