I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
