So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She just used a chaser for red wine.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
