I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
