Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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