Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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