you traded sex for a burrito?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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