i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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