Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I feel like a drive thru vagina
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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